Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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