To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
