I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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