dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
