whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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