I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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