I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
