I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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