I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
