This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm having to shit out rocks
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
