she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
