So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
