I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
