Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
