from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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