She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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