all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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