Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
