Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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