his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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