i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
