I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
