Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
