I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
