At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
