I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Everyone says I win the strip club
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
