so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
