His pubic hair was longer than his dick
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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