just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
