i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
even my farts smell like vagina
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
