I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
