Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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