I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I need to calm my uterus...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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