i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
