I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
