This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
