He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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