just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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