Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize