this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
