Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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