i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
