happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
