I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
