Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
