Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
