No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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