my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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