You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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