My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
