I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
