i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
