You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
