My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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