and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
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she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
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That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.