Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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