Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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