anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
