We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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