I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
