There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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