I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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