she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
